Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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