apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
