Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
