I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
