She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
