he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
