Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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