I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
