Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
