I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
