I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
