God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
