This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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