as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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