I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
