Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
