i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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