every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
