When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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