Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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