hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
