Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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