He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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