as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
