I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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