Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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