and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
