I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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