I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just googled if crying burns calories
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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