I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
