Little spoons don't ask big questions
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
