And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
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Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
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I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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