Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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