On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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