I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
