Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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