Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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