i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
