It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
