Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you will always have a special place in my vag
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
