I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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