Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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