I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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