Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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