i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
