i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
