sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
