he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
