thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
