one might say we're banned from that church
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
