I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
