I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
