I can't watch pbs sober anymore
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
