I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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