Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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