i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
