Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
