Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
