His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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