Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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