There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I could make wine with my vomit
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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