I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
